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Stories
Jul 12, 2007 14:27:22 GMT 11
Post by artemis on Jul 12, 2007 14:27:22 GMT 11
Post your stories here.
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Stories
Jul 31, 2007 13:34:27 GMT 11
Post by artemis on Jul 31, 2007 13:34:27 GMT 11
So I'm writing a story... it's in the planning/first chapters stage, but I wanted to know what people thought of the prologue. I'll post the first bit of the prologue here, and if anyone reads/reviews/likes it, I'll post the rest of it. Rating: T, for drinking, mild-ish swearing. I'd just like to know what you think of the characters. The plot is still under-construction. This prologue snippet is mainly meant to introduce the charries.
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Stories
Jul 31, 2007 13:35:36 GMT 11
Post by artemis on Jul 31, 2007 13:35:36 GMT 11
It was a slow night, a lone figure thought to herself. Not one gunshot the entire evening; what a boring town. Walking briskly through the city streets, her figure was visible only for the seconds she was in the glow of a streetlamp; without the aid of light, it looked as though the girl had melted into shadow. A long, thick braid swung in and out of view, the metal it was wound with glinting and drawing the eye of a few other late-night street wanderers. She paid them no mind, and it was only when a neon sign caught her eye that she stopped in her march. Chance Bar/Lounge. OPEN. A smirk curved the corners of her lips up, and she set off with new purpose. The bell jingled quietly, signaling her entrance. A waiter made to welcome her, the words dying on his lips. The rest of the bar’s patrons then turned to join him in gawking at the strangeness of her garb. Tall leather boots were laced up, reaching just below her knees, and black Bermuda shorts with a strange skirt-like train in the back that barely hid the gun holster strapped around her waist (was that legal?). She wore a simple black tank-top under a fishnet long sleeve shirt in a dark purple. Heavily rimmed amethyst eyes flickered around the room, analyzing the many faces of the bar. The only person who continued what they were doing was the singer, but she could tell by the way the young girl’s eyes had widened that the singer too had taken note of her entrance. She turned her attention back to the waiter, who stammered a welcome. “W-Welcome, to the-” “-Chance bar and lounge, yeah, yeah, I get it. Now where can I get something to drink?” the strange girl asked, cutting the waiter off with a wave of her hand and a grin. He pointed to the bar, leading her to a seat before hurrying off. “So, what’s your poison?” the bartender asked, setting down a glass he had been wiping. “The more appropriate question is what isn’t.” she laughed at her own joke, to which the bartender merely raised an eyebrow. “But I’ll have a beer.” “Nice and simple, huh?” he said, smiling as he slid the cold bottle to her. She caught it deftly, raising it to drink a good bit before setting the (now half-empty) bottle down. “Yep. I’m a pretty simple girl.” “Sure don’t look it.” She laughed again, before chugging the rest of her drink. “Ha-ha. I guess not, huh?” She motioned for him to give her another one, and he complied. “Especially not with those tattoos. They’re nice though. Do ‘em yourself?” She raised a hand to trace the outline of one of the tattoos near her eyes. Three lines (almost like enlarged eyelashes), high on her cheekbones. “Like hell I did!” she laughed again. “It’ll be a miracle if I could draw a circle.” She peered down at the beer, tracing swirls on the icy bottle. “So, what’s your name?” he asked lightly after a moment, and he missed the sudden sharpening of her eyes. She gazed critically at him, before shrugging and taking a swig. “I go by many, but… Noctis, I guess.” “Noctis huh? That seems…fitting.” “You have no idea.” She murmured, downing her drink. She silently asked for another one, though her eyes this time were on the young singer. “You sure hire young ‘round here, huh?” Noctis stated. “She looks hardly a day over sixteen.” “As do you, for that matter.” “Ha-ha! I assure you, I’m not sixteen. Was, a long time ago.” Noctis swirled her drink, pausing for a moment before commenting- “Helluva voice for someone so young.” “S’why we hired her. Kid’s got no parents, just a good-for-nothin’ older brother and-” “Sounds like your typical sob-story, huh?” Noctis looked up at the surprised bartender and grinned. “Sorry, but I’ve heard enough for my lifetime.” She sighed and finished her third drink. “Don’t suppose you’ve got anything stronger?” she asked the bartender hopefully. “I’ll warn you, our strongest is rather pricey…” Noctis groaned, when a new voice appeared, slamming a bill on the table. Both Noctis and the bartender looked up in shock. “I’ll pay for whatever she wants.” A brown haired beauty announced, sliding into the chair beside Noctis. Noctis was speechless for a moment, but a speechless Noctis never lasted long.
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Stories
Jul 31, 2007 13:36:41 GMT 11
Post by artemis on Jul 31, 2007 13:36:41 GMT 11
Side note: Noctis means darkness/dark/night in Latin.
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Stories
Jul 31, 2007 13:46:37 GMT 11
Post by The Doctor on Jul 31, 2007 13:46:37 GMT 11
Interesting...Noctis reminds me of War from Good Omens... ((Critique-y part now)) Noctis seems too nice in her dialog. IMHO, she should have shorter, harsher sentences, not be as chatty, etc. If you're going for the friendly dark girl (yay for sterotype-breaking) have the inner dialog reflect that. I edit stuff a lot, but I don't think you care at this point the little grammar glitches. Bartender is good, generic is good, and I want to read more about the brown-haired lady (and the rest of the plot). *Note: I have no wish to offend. If I do, disregard all future comments of mine.*
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Stories
Aug 6, 2007 15:04:11 GMT 11
Post by artemis on Aug 6, 2007 15:04:11 GMT 11
Thanks so much for reading and actually taking the time to comment! =) I really appreciate it. I know Noctis is rather chatty, but I wanted to make her seem like your everyday girl sort of thing, despite her appearance. It's in her nature to be so friendly. xD I'll post the next part. Thank you again, SOOO MUCH!
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Stories
Aug 6, 2007 15:06:24 GMT 11
Post by artemis on Aug 6, 2007 15:06:24 GMT 11
“Well if it isn’t singer-girl!” Noctis grinned brightly. “And what a voice you have, if I may say. Gorgeous, simply gorgeous. Haven’t heard a voice like that in any other town I’ve visited-” “So you aren’t from around here. Where are you from?” the singer asked bluntly, narrowing green eyes. “Why don’t we start with names first, kiddo?” Noctis said, leaning back in her chair, watching the young girl with a suspicious gaze. “Or with why you suddenly felt the urge to buy me a drink. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.” She tacked on, almost cackling with happiness as the bartender slid her potent drink to her. There was a moment of hesitation, in which the singer fiddled anxiously with a lock of hair and Noctis gleefully took a sip of her drink, setting it down with a satisfied smack. It was then that the younger girl finally looked up and spoke. “…Juliet D. Wynter. The D stands for Dierdre, it was my mother’s name, but I gave it to myself, since my parents died when I was-” “Hey, hey. Cool it, kiddo. I asked for a name and a reason, not a speech on your angst-filled past.” Noctis interrupted in a mildly annoyed tone, but grinned nonetheless. “Juliet, huh? The name’s Noctis.” She turned back to her drink, watching with amusement out of the corner of her eye as Juliet fumbled over the foreign name. “Or Nox, for short.” She said, chuckling at the relief on the girl’s face. “Nox…” “Yeah?” Noctis looked up from her drink with fake annoyance. “Oh! I was just testing out your name…” Juliet said, looking down. “Jeez. Don’t call me if you don’t need me, got it?” “Y-Yes!” Noctis couldn’t decide if she should laugh or not. Talk about uptight! “It was a joke, kiddo. Don’t take everything so seriously!” “Well, I don’t really joke much… I mean, my brother doesn’t really-” Juliet cut herself off this time, even before Noctis raised her eyebrows. “You’re learning quickly.” Noctis commented with a smile. “So. Why’d you buy me a drink, Miss Juliet D. Wynter?” “You’re not from around here, right?” “No,” Noctis answered slowly, “Is this a well-known habit of yours or something?” “No,” Juliet answered, but didn’t say anything else. Noctis finished her drink and looked down with a pout at the depressingly empty glass. Juliet quickly called the bartender over, instructing him to give Noctis a refill. “Oi, are you sure, kiddo?” “Very.” Juliet said firmly, facing Noctis again. “Please, drink up.” “You’re not trying to poison me, right?” “I assure you that’s the last thing I want to do.” Noctis mumbled something incoherent in response, but drank up anyway. “So,” Juliet began again after Noctis’ third drink. “Where are you going?” “Places.” Noctis vaguely drawled reply. “What’re you doing? Do you have a job?” “S’pose you could,” Hiccup. “say that.” “Well, what do you do?” “Hmm,” Hiccup. “Can’t tell you.” Noctis slurred lightly, pushing away her fourth glass. Well, seventh really. “...well then… will you take me with you?” “Hell no.” Juliet was taken-aback by the firm answer. “But why?” “’Cause you’d be a nuisance.” “But-” “No buts,” Noctis sat up straight, and it was as though she had never had seven drinks. “You’re not coming.” “Unless you can give me a good reason-” “Honey, I can give you five. One, I don’t know you. Two, you’re too young. Three, you’d be a liability. Four, did I mention that I don’t know you?! And five, it’s too dangerous.” Noctis said, counting on her fingers. She fished around in her pockets for her wallet, eventually putting a small set of bills and coins on the table. “So your job is dangerous?” Juliet pressed, following Noctis even as she bid the bartender farewell and headed out the door. “Why are you so interested in me?” Noctis asked, turning on the stubborn young girl when they were outside. “Oh don’t flatter yourself. It’s not only you. I want to leave. I want to get out of this town!” Noctis was more than a little taken aback by the sudden change in attitude. Where exactly had that stuttering, anxious sixteen year old singer gone? “So get out of the town! Do it by yourself, kiddo!” “I can’t.” Juliet said after a pause, and the defeated note in her voice almost made Noctis want to hug the poor girl. “I’ve tried, but I can’t do it alone. I’ve done everything alone my entire life, but I just can’t do this too! I’m willing to admit I need help, and do anything I can to get it!” Noctis blinked. (Was she supposed to care…?) “Juliet,” Noctis began gently, placing a hand on her shoulder, “I promise you that…” She paused for the sake of dramatic effect. “I will let you come with me…the day hell freezes over. Sorry kiddo.” Noctis patted her head with a grim look, before setting off, calling a ‘good luck’ over her shoulder. That was the end of that. And so it was with a decent amount of confusion that Noctis found Juliet, frilly pink dress with matching handbag and all, in the lobby of her hotel the next morning. “How the hell did you find me?!” “Good morning to you too,” Juliet muttered. “This is more than a little creepy, you know.” “Oh, I know.” Juliet beamed. “Shall we get some breakfast?” “Er…I guess?” Noctis allowed Juliet to lead her to the continental breakfast buffet. “Will you be paying again this time?” she asked hopefully. “Ha-ha-ha, no.” Noctis pouted. “But I would if you say you’ll take me with you.” “God, not this again?” Noctis rolled her eyes as they sat down. “Look, I’m not taking you with me.” “I’m not as fragile as I may seem, I’ll have you know!” Juliet replied indignantly. “If that’s what you’re worried about, then-” “Oh don’t flatter yourself,” Noctis said, a dry taunting note in her voice. “It’s not just taking care of you that I’m worried about. I’m a loner, okay? My job requires it and I can’t have a prissy little kid like you tagging along and causing mayhem.” Noctis stood. “And what’s with this whole character change?! What happened to that weepy little girl from last night?” Juliet laughed as they made their way to the buffet. “That gig usually works on people, but it didn’t seem to have any effect on you, so I’ll be truthful with you from now.” “And you expect me to trust you?” Noctis muttered, shaking her head as she heaped piles of bacon and eggs onto her plate.
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Post by The Doctor on Aug 7, 2007 1:49:45 GMT 11
Ok, Simon-esque review mach 2... Dialog times ten million...which is good, let me add (ever thought about writing plays?), although occasionally it is hard to tell who's talking. Again, the characters seem kind of fluid, swiching seemingly at random from dark to bright (Noctis) or determined to depressed to frightined (Juliet). I know that they're supposed to be that way (Noctis is a combo of stereotypes, Juliet was playing an act) but if you could show more physical reactions and changes, it could make it more clear and more realistic. Also, the hotel is not really defined. If it's not important, don't describe it, but it does stand out in contrast to the description of the bar and surrounding area. On the plus side: Very character driven (ugh, teacher phrase, but applicable), good dialog, and there's no comma murdering going on (I hate comma murdering). Me wanna read more!
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Post by artemis on Aug 7, 2007 6:44:37 GMT 11
-bows- Thank you once again, SOO much. This is a real help. =) I'll work on the characters and adding more description in addition to the dialogue. The hotel isn't important, and this is the prologue to the actual story, so I didn't bother describing it. If you feel it's needed, I could add a description in.
I know it has a LOT of dialogue, heck, the whole thing is practically dialogue, which is strange because usually description is my strong-point. xD This started out as a practice for me in dialogue, actually. Thanks muchly~ Part 3 is coming.
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Post by artemis on Aug 7, 2007 6:55:25 GMT 11
“I just want to get out of this town.” Juliet said, clasping her hands together as she stared imploringly at Noctis. “I understand that, but you’re not coming with me.” Juliet sighed deeply as the two made their way back to the table. “I know what you do for a living.” She whispered at last, and Noctis’ head shot up to glare at her. “Oh? Then you’ll know it’s too dangerous for a princess like you, huh?” she replied, and Juliet blinked at the sudden coldness of the tone. “I told you I’m not fragile!” Juliet hissed, motioning for Noctis to look under the table. Noctis frowned suspiciously at her before looking. “Holy-” Noctis sat up straight and stared at her with wide eyes. “What the hell are you doing with that?!” Juliet stuffed the gun back into her handbag and folded her hands delicately on her lap, looking across at a very shocked Noctis with an innocent expression. “I mean business, Nox. I’ve always wanted to be a bounty hunter. You know, see the world, taking names. Stuff like that.” “You make no sense, kiddo. If you know all this and want all this, then just go do it! First rule as a bounty hunter. You got to be quick on your feet and ready to get what you want. Otherwise it’s all over.” Noctis said through a mouthful of eggs. “I know, but I don’t have any experience! And I knew you were perfect as soon as you walked in. I can tell! You can teach me!” Juliet said enthusiastically. “Can and will are very different things.” “Agreed… but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to turn that can into a will.” “Are you always so corny?” “Are you always so stubborn?” “Naturally.” Noctis said with a bright smile. Juliet heaved a sigh and continued. “I can help you! We could be… partners in crime!” “Honey, we’re trying to find the crime, not cause it, I hope you understand.” “It’s just a figure of speech! Please, can’t you teach me? I’ll work under you for however long you’d like!” “That’s what I’m afraid of.” Noctis grumbled. “Okay, kiddo. If you can prove to me that you’re actually worth something, then I’ll take you along. Mkay?” Juliet’s eyes lit up and Noctis had the bizarre feeling like she had just dug her own grave. “Thank you! You won’t regret it!” “I doubt that.”
It was a thoroughly stunned Noctis that held the wad of cash earned from the capture of a recently wanted criminal a few hours later. “You sure you need a teacher?” she asked at last, flipping through the bills. “Absolutely. See, I really need to work on my aim.” Juliet responded innocently enough, but Noctis frowned as she sank into her hotel room’s cushy bed. “Your aim…?” “Well…I kind of missed the shoulder and kind of er…killed…him?” Juliet grinned sheepishly. “Oh. Well, that’s something you can work on. But you got the money, and that’s all that matters-” “…in front of his gang?” Noctis looked up sharply. “Please tell me you’re kidding?” Juliet winced and shook her head apologetically. “nuts, honey! They’re going to be coming after you now! We’ve got to go!” Juliet’s ears perked and a large grin slid onto her pretty face. “We. You said we. So I can come with you?” “Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever kiddo. You won’t be going anywhere but to see the folks again if you don’t hurry up!” “Awesome, this is so cool!” “Cool,” Noctis breathed sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she stuffed all her belongings back into a small travel-bag. “Are you ready to go then?” Juliet nodded enthusiastically, turning around so Noctis could see her backpack. “Don’t tell me you were planning this?” “Of course I was. I don’t take no for an answer!” Juliet chirped as they walk-ran to the elevator. “I can see that.” Noctis grumbled. A few hours later found Noctis and Juliet on a wild motorcycle ride miles out of the city, with a bunch of angry mobsters behind them. While Noctis was rambling off some rather creative curses, Juliet was pulling something large out of her backpack. “The hell’re you doing?” Noctis hissed, swerving to avoid a hole in the road. “Fighting back.” Juliet replied nonplussed, deftly loading a rather large gun. “You’re full of surprises, you know that?” “Hm. I try.” Juliet took careful aim before… BOOM. Amethyst eyes widened in unconcealed shock. “…I thought you said you needed to work on your aim?!” Noctis nearly-shouted at the pretty brunette behind her, who was giggling as took aim again. “Oh you’re so gullible, Nox.” BOOM. Nox’s eyes narrowed briefly, before she grumbled something inaudible. “You know, if you hadn’t just saved our asses right now, I would kill you.” When Juliet laughed, easily hitting the remaining mobsters with a couple rounds, Noctis added- “Mind you, I might still do that, since it’s your fault we got into this mess in the first place.” “But we got the money, and we’re safe, and that’s all that matters, right?” Juliet offered. “And you’ve gained a partner who can get you out of tight situations!” “When I was alone I never had a problem with tight situations.” grumbled Noctis. “Oh, but where’s the fun in that?” Juliet murmured, putting her gun back and enjoying the wind whipping through her hair. Noctis silently, grudgingly, agreed.
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Post by artemis on Aug 7, 2007 6:56:19 GMT 11
Authors notes: Last part of the prologue. I think this is the weakest part, but I like the ending segment.
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Post by The Doctor on Aug 8, 2007 2:13:28 GMT 11
The end is good, rather funny. The two seem to switch roles, from clueless to in control... Anyway, angry rant time for me. (I'm so glad you like the reviews, it gives me an excuse to be honest and evil.) I'm aware this is all one draft, with no implimentation of changes, so I'll just mension the overly fluid character changes and slight dificulty in telling whose talking (the last is easily fixed with the enter bar). One thing I noticed in this one (and reading back in the others a bit) is a lot of adverbs (all those ly's). Okay, I sound like my English teacher, but there's too many of them. Try for different ways of saying the same thing, or taking it on faith that the reader will fill in the details for you. (Now I sound like my mentor at writing camp.) Anyway, strengths are in character and dialog, and grammar (as said before). Still want to read more. (Sorry about repetition, but hey, it's what I do.)
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Stories
Aug 9, 2007 10:44:12 GMT 11
Post by Eileen on Aug 9, 2007 10:44:12 GMT 11
Sorry that I havn't written a review yet - I simply don't have time! Anyway, I am working on a book right now. I'm going to redirect you rather than post it all here. It's more of a teen kind of thing - Like Meg Cabot with a lot more fantasy. www.bebo.com/authorsisle
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Stories
Aug 10, 2007 7:37:35 GMT 11
Post by artemis on Aug 10, 2007 7:37:35 GMT 11
Woo~ finally everythings posted. xD Thanks again, very very much for all your help. I'll get to editing now. =) & Eileen, I'll read your story hopefully soon. ^^
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Stories
Jan 24, 2008 10:05:53 GMT 11
Post by The Doctor on Jan 24, 2008 10:05:53 GMT 11
Hi guys, guess what? I wrote a story! Well, only sorta. I found this fan fiction site, and started reading random stuff. Then I met my first plot bunny. It was sweet, and kind, and didn't attack me randomly. So I wrote a fanfic. Then the little plot bunny brought a friend. This one was silly, and fun, and even though he keeps me up at night, I kept him around. Then he brought twenty bazillion more. So now, I write fanfic. Yay me. I'm working on one, it's a crossover story between Scrubs and Doctor Who (if you don't know the shows, you should!) and it's very silly. Located at www.fanfiction.net/s/4024230/1/My_Blue_Box. Come see, come see!
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Morgan
Junior Member
So tell me why you're so afraid
Posts: 15
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Stories
Sept 2, 2008 7:48:48 GMT 11
Post by Morgan on Sept 2, 2008 7:48:48 GMT 11
Meh, I got a little bored avoiding homework this weekend so I started well...ranting. This small inkling of a story wormed its way into my head. Haven't ironed out most of the details yet, but here's a teaser: He’ll always wind up alone in the end. And he would sooner die than admit it mattered to him. It was a pretty ordinary house, in a fairly average complex, in the generally quiet suburbs of a sun-drenched California. There was a decent-sized, yet oddly placed balcony right above the square of kitchen. On the outside windowsills of several bedrooms were oblong pots of cabbages and parsley. A dark red hummingbird feeder swung awkwardly to the left of the front door – looking as artificial as the city. It was empty. The sun shined here too, but not on a happy doorstep. There was only a single pair of shoes outside, black, but worn away by the years, looking sadly at the entrance, as if it had been left behind this way many times before. The garland flashing of autumn colors San Diego never saw was more a pitiful emblem than a decoration. For fall always marked the end. --- “No, she’s crazy, I tell you,” Aaron was exclaiming. “I mean, she has a frickin’ microphone. And she’s under the impression she’s a plant. I swear, something about chlorophyll…” Felix, busy looking thoroughly amused, only raised an eyebrow with an, “Is that so?” He sidestepped a few passerbys, adjusting the bulky backpack on his right shoulder while still maintaining attention to his friend. “You sure she’s just not mistaking you guys for a group of first graders?” Aaron feigned a look of revulsion that was only half-joking, causing Felix to laugh loudly. He was just about to reply, a grin on his face, when the bell trilled out over the intercom. Felix winced and Aaron rubbed his ears mournfully, as they’d been standing above the media center, just below a speaker in the ceiling. “Agh…” Aaron threw up his arms in defeat. “I could learn to hate that bell all over again.” “Pity you can’t block it out,” Felix observed. Kids were swarming in and out through the double-doors, and he noticed he recognized some of them. With a population of nearly 3,000 and spread-out campus, this was a difficult feat at Torrey Pines. One such familiar face shot out a hand towards the pair in greeting. “Felix, Hawkins!” he managed, before he disappeared in the crowd. Felix waved back with matching zeal. Sighing, he turned to Aaron with a bit of a shrug. “Off to class then?” “Aye,” came the serious reply. “To hell we march!” --- “Because life is incurably cruel.” His statement was greeted with stony silence. “So cruel,” he repeated, a tremor to his orator’s voice. Muted gasps rattled in his aching throat, “It’s not much worth fighting for.” He ended the pronouncement in near hysterics as his last word reached a heightened pitch. Still, there was silence. Raising his head, he gave a sharp, convictive nod. The walls seemed to understand, or so he gathered from the faint echoes. “We’ve all got a meeting with death in the end.” Because really…he never needed anyone to begin with.
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